Now, Was That So Hard?
by StainedWithBlackInk
Summary: OK! Finally i'm getting some of the sequal to 'Say it' up. it would take me too long to finish and post it all at once so i split it up. I hope it meets everyones expectations!
1. Chapter 1

**READERS!**

**This is the "continuation" or whatever for my first fic "Say It". I suggest reading Say It before this one, but if you don't here's the down'n'dirty details: Shizuo and Izaya have a fight (cause not stated) and Izaya ends up getting his brains fu**ed out. Shizuo tells Izaya over and over that he loves him, but in the end Izaya won't say it back.**

**So in essence this is about Izaya getting forced into submission (again) and has the reality that he is head over heels for Shizu-chan shoved in his face! MUAHAHAHAHA enjoy ;) OH AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! IZAYA'S THOUGHTS HAVE AN INTERNAL BATTLE SO WORDS BRAQUETTED BY ** ARE HIS FUCK YOU AND FACE THE TRUTH THOUGHTS WHILE WORDS BRAQUETTED BY '' ARE HIS DENIAL THOUGHTS! OK NOW YOU CAN ENJOY!**

The rain was falling gently as I walked through the streets of Ikebukero. The sky was gray, the world was soaked, the people were few, and the cold was so prominent that my fingers felt as if they would freeze off. I had been wandering around for a while now, nothing in particular on my mind. Ok, well, that was a complete lie, but I was trying my hardest not to think about it.

"It" in particular was the last time I was with Shizu-chan. We had gotten in a fight…again…but this time it wasn't like I was hoping it would have been. It didn't end with us flying through the streets I loved and destroying all that was in our path. No. This time, Shizuo actually managed to hurt me. He had finally gotten what he wanted and that was to break me beyond repair.

I'm sure that I will recover from our…little spat…but I don't think I could ever be the person I was before it. I've lost my love for my humans, for my information…for my world. I was so cold on the inside. I could hear the slow beat of my heart in my ears as if it was warning me that it had finally run its course. My head and eyelids felt so heavy and my body itself…I had no words to describe how hollow and empty it felt. The world I see around me now is colorless and painful. Everything's too bright or dark or loud or quiet. I don't know how long I had been walking, but I couldn't find the peace I so desperately needed. I needed to clear my mind and form rational thoughts once again. I needed to leave.

I couldn't take it here anymore. Everywhere I threw my gaze I wasn't just seeing, I was _looking_. Looking for _him._ What I couldn't figure out was if I was searching for him because I thought he could help with agonizing loneliness in my chest or to make sure he didn't find me. I would never tell anyone, at one point I couldn't even tell myself, but I needed him. I didn't want him like I wanted to leave, which was the truth; I wanted, not needed, to leave. I needed him like the air I needed to breathe. He was my life. He was the reason why I was lively and happy and…me. Even if he had managed to annihilate every barrier I had built to separate me from the rest of the lowly rats of humanity, to establish myself as their god…to protect my heart. I couldn't be angry with him. It was more like I was scared of him. He held my black heart in his hands and with one wrong twitch of his fingers; his massive strength would eradicate everything I am.

When I was a child my parents had made damn sure to hit, whip, and cut out all the compassion in my heart. I had been locked away, tied up, and kicked out enough that I had finally realized what I wanted to do about it. I had wanted to see why people act the way they do. Why my parents acted the way they had. What expressions would give away people's thoughts? What situations would reveal their true self?

I suppose, looking back on my own actions, they weren't too different from how my parents treated me. The methods I had used to "understand" my beloved humans were almost mirrored to what my parents had decided were effective _punishments_.

Of course I had subconsciously known this all along, but I hadn't had to face my scars until that _protozoan_ had listed all my "fucking problems" to my face. That was when I realized how much I had actually let slip away. That brute had told me things about myself that were so important to hide and lock away in my head, to the most mundane aspects of my personality that I hadn't even officially taken note of.

I felt a bitter smirk, that I guess was trying to become a smile, grace my face as I thought about all the things Shizu-chan had said to prove to me that he knew me. He had known my favorite books, movies, crime scenes. HELL! He had known my freakin' sleep schedule for different days because of work. He told me that he knew he loved me every time I fucking concentrated. Yeah, I know I had said 'WTF?' as well. He described the expression I made, to the way I would bite my pen, or how my glasses would slip down my nose, or how I would run my hands through my hair every time I mumbled out loud. The brute even had the audacity to say that he loved me when I concentrated because I looked _human _when I did.

Well, that had been a mistake on his part. Izaya Orihara is in no way human. I am more. I am above the people of the world and all their silly emotions.

_*And yet, all those silly little emotions are ripping you apart*. _

I stopped walking when the stupid voice in my head popped in its opinion again.

My mind had been doing that as of recent. Whenever I would start to think like my original self, my own thoughts would turn against me and point out everything wrong with me at that particular moment. Like how I was still standing outside even though it was beginning to rain harder and the world was darkening.

'_Must be getting late'._

I sluggishly tilted my head back to look up in the sky. My hood slipped off my head with splat against my back. My hair stayed plastered to my forehead so I looked at the blackish clouds through ink colored strands. I let my eyes slip close for a few seconds and let out a low breath. I brought my head to look forward again and I kept on walking.


	2. Chapter 2

**SORRY, but this is gonna be pretty short this chapter. I'm uploading the next one real quick though, promise!**

'_Izaya…' _It was so dark.

'_Izaya…' _was that my name being called?

'_..zaya, please…' _please what?

'_Izaya!' _Who was calling me?

Slowly, sensation started to flood me. I felt a strange numbness throughout my entire body as well as a torturous cold. I tried to open my eyes, but they were so heavy. "Izaya." My name was being said frantically, but it sounded far away, as if I was hearing an echo.

"IZAYA!" my eyelids flashed open. It was still dark; "Izaya?" the voice I was hearing was clearer… familiar. Warmth blossomed in my chest, but it was still no match for the aching numbness I was frozen in. Shapes started to appear out of the darkness and I was able to distinguish a person. I looked around and saw other shapes but held no hope in figuring out what they were, "_Izaya_." My name was said with such reverence and relief that I had to look back at the outline of the person above me. Why was this voice so comforting?

The shape started to move closer and then a searing heat burned the skin on my forehead and started whispering across my skin, "It's alright, I'm here. Go back to sleep, I have you." For some reason I knew the voice could be trusted. Not just because it was filled with the peace I had been seeking, but because my instincts said that I was finally safe. I didn't know what the impression of 'finally' meant, nor did I have the time to inspect it because the shapes were disappearing and then the silent blackness consumed me again.


	3. Chapter 3

**HERE'S THE NEXT ONE! :D **

When I came to consciousness I was warm. It wasn't a comforting warmth, it was a natural warmth. I was quick to notice that it did nothing to help the cold ache that remained in my chest.

Letting out a breath through my nose I opened my eyes once again and found myself facing two curtained windows…my windows. I turned to the right and was greeted with the neon red lines of my alarm clock. 2:31. PM. Hmph. My head rolled to look at the ceiling as I thought. I had no recollection of getting here. I remember wandering through the city and then the park and then it was dark.

Dark.

The voice. The small memory of my name being called filled my ears. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the voice to try to discover who it belonged to with no luck. The crispness of it had faded over whatever time I had been unconscious and was unclear in my memory. Feeling my frustration litter my face with a frown I slowly started to sit up. I had no idea that would be a fight in itself.

My arms refused to support me and my torso decided that abs were no longer necessary. I ended up having to nearly kick myself into the upright position. With my shoulders hunched, my head down, hands planted on the bed, and my face scrunched up I was ready to push myself one last time when the sound of a door opening distracted me.

"Izaya!" I looked up and almost fell back down. Rushing towards me was Shizu-chan. His forehead was lined with worry. His jaw was taut and had some scruff on it. There were bruise-like circles framing his eyes. He overall looked tense and that was _before _I caught a look at his eyes. God, his eyes. They were so dull. The mocha colored orbs appeared lifeless compared what they used to be.

When he reached me he placed one hand on my back and the other at my waist so he could help me sit up. He adjusted my pillow and sheets before he sat down and took my face into his hands. He just watched me for a while. His gaze searched mine for something while I tried to make sense of my situation. _What _was going on?

"Shizu-chan, what h-happened?" my voice was thick and scratchy like I hadn't used it in a while. His hands slid down to cup my jaw as he spoke, "Well, when I hadn't seen you in a couple of days I got worried." His expression creased in all the wrong places making him appear ages older than he was, "I came here, but the doorman had said you hadn't been here for a few days. I started to search the whole city until I found you passed out, soaking wet, and looking like death in an alleyway. Seriously, Izaya what the hell were you thinking? It was freezing outside and you were _soaked_. You could've died from hypothermia or something!"

Ah, so Shizu-chan was the voice. It didn't surprise me one bit even though the feelings attached to hearing the voice did….ok so they didn't, but it was easier to pretend than accept it. When I still didn't speak, Shizu-chan continued, "You've been out for three and half days now. I would've taken you to Shinra's had I not been terrified that moving you would make you worse." The lines on his face deepened with worry and cast an ugly shadow over his eyes, "I've been going out of my _mind_ waiting for you to wake up." His voice was quieter when he said this. It raised and lowered as he tried to explain his emotions.

I removed my gaze from his to look at my lap mostly because I couldn't take seeing him like this. He needed to just understand that I can't return his feelings, that I didn't have the capability of doing so. He was wasting his energy caring for me and in the end it would only hurt him more than it would hurt me…maybe, "You should have just taken me to Shinra. I would have been fine." I looked toward my windows as I said this. I was trying to avoid the fact that his pain was caused by me.

"Izaya." He called my name softly, gently. I didn't turn to him; "Izaya!" his voice was much firmer now and louder. I cringed at the tone and was drawn to look at him this time. His face was twisted into a scowl that did nothing to conceal the hurt in his eyes. I gulped and blinked a few times, trying to will away the tears forming in my eyes, "Why did you run from me?" no. Please, god, anything but this, "I know you love me back…"

"I don't!" my voice was icy and full of venom. I felt myself scowl at him and tried to yank away from his grasp, but he was too strong and I too weak, "I don't know what led you to believe that I held any sort of emotion towards you, but I can assure you that my hatred for you hasn't changed." I'm positive that if I had aimed those words at anyone else than Shizuo, they would have broken down and ran from the room. But Shizuo was much too smart for that. He knew me too well to believe me even though I wished with everything that I am that he would. The only damage I caused him was for his frown to grow deeper, "Then why do you let me kiss you?"

"I don…hmph!" Shizuo pulled me towards him and then gingerly placed his lips on mine. I brought my hands up in between his arms and tried to push at his chest, but I had close to no strength and all it did was bring him closer. We watched each other as he moved his lips against mine and I fought desperately to stay still. To keep my eyes open so that I wouldn't be swept away by the madness. After a few seconds I started to plead to him through my eyes and he answered right back by kissing me harder and demanding that I give him entrance. With a whimper slipping from my mouth, my eyes slid shut and I reluctantly let him in. Why couldn't I resist him?

Shizuo tilted my head back and moved closer so that our chests were nearly pressed together. I tried to push him away again and even tried shaking my head to get free, but he just held me tighter. I whimpered again as he drew my tongue into his mouth so that he could play freely. I finally decided to give in when I felt my hands tightening of their own accord. I went lax in his arms and leaned back against the head board.

After making sure I was rendered breathless and immobile, Shizu-chan pulled away from me and stared at me as our breathing ran ragged, "Why do you let me touch you?" my eyes widened in fear as he wrapped his arms around my waist as he slid us into laying down. I pushed futilely against his shoulders, "No, Shizu-huhh…" I gasped as his lips started sucking at a particularly sensitive part of my neck. I tried to wriggle and push him away, but this only spurred him on. I let out a low moan as Shizuo let his hands roam my sides under the t-shirt I was in. I subconsciously arched into him and threaded my fingers into his hair.

_''No! I can't let him win!" _

_ *Oh for god's sake just give in! You love him and you KNOW it* _

I cried out as Shizu-chan's fingers breezed over my nipples. I didn't know if the cry was because of his touches or the battle going on in my head. God, it was all so confusing. Why couldn't this just stop?


	4. Chapter 4

I tried my best to push all the sensations Shizuo was creating to the back of my head. If I could stay focused enough, I could get out of this nightmare without any damage done…to myself at least. But of course, this was easier said than done. My skin was hypersensitive after the freezing it went through and seemed to pull Shizuo's hands closer so that it could soak up his heat. In a way it was just like that last night; Shizuo radiating, flooding all his emotion into me, trying to beat down my walls. He was going to drown me in himself. Or, he could just swallow me whole. Consume my existence like a ravenous carnivore and dance in my blood for his victory. After all, hadn't this game gone on long enough? It was time to declare the champion and for once…I don't think it's gonna be me. Is that so bad though? Is it so bad to die at the hands of the only person who ever created some kind of bond with you? Forget how sick and twisted it might be, the one constant in my life, the one who gave it to me, is going to take it away. I think it's fitting…very fitting…

"_Izaya…_" My eyes flew open as his whisper resonated through my ear and sung its way to the tips of my toes, "What are you thinking? It can't be anything good…you never think anything good." I was coming out of the oblivious cage I had temporarily locked myself into. The imprints of Shizuo's hands were starting to register along with his incessant kisses running along every inch of my skin.

He _must _be some kind of monster. With every new kiss he laid on my body, the more strength he drew from my resolve, the more strength he pulled from my already emaciated muscles. My body was heating up so fast it neared painful. My fingers and toes were starting to go numb along with my mind. Who knew losing could be so easy? Who knew losing _yourself _could be so easy?

"_Please _listen to me…" his plea danced across the skin of my neck leaving goose bumps in its wake. I felt him move and then a rough but gentle hand caresses my cheek. Shizuo pulls my face around and forces me to stare straight into his caramel eyes. The shock of his gaze makes the beat of my heart jagged and harsh. My nerves flare to life in a way that put proverbial butterflies to shame. I wanted to scream to make the awful feeling stop. I felt ready to crawl out of my skin I felt so nervous, so cornered…_I've lost_.

The turmoil had to have been swimming all over my face, but Shizuo's eyes never faltered. The uncharacteristic gentility and patience warming those crystalline orbs sent my instincts on high alert. I had no idea who the man before me was. He most certainly wasn't the Shizuo Heiwajima I knew. This territory, the people we were being, is too foreign. It's uncharted and dangerous and I was ready to jump ship. That is, until the asshole in front of me started talking, "I'm not trying to kill you. I don't have a master plan to break everything that you are and make something new, no matter what I've said. I love _you_. The sick, twisted, freakishly smart, beautiful man that you've always been is what got me. I don't want to win; I don't want to see you fall. I want you to see that I'm right there with you, that I'm cracking and breaking just as fast. That last night…" an instinctual pang of arousal flared through me as unwanted memories flitted across my vision, "I was so _frustrated_. I can't understand why you're so terrified of this, of me! We're in exactly the same place, so why can't you just accept it?" a flash of anger, yet I only managed a rough whisper, "You mean like you have?" my expressions were useless but hopefully the sarcasm and anger hardened my eyes, "Are you calling me a liar?"

….

Any motivation I might've had to fight seeped from my bones as Shizu-chan's eyes narrowed. I seriously couldn't win, could I?

"No…no…" Shizuo gave me a pointed look when I couldn't continue. I shut my eyes. Everything was easier when you couldn't prove it was happening. I then allowed myself another comfort. Ever since the beginning of our little spats, my hands always ended up in the thick mess of Shizuo's hair. Burying my fingers within the dyed mane gave me the illusion that I was gripping onto control, grounding myself in sanity. I guess I never noticed that it was the complete opposite. In a near inaudible voice that sounded broken even to me I said the only thing I could manage, "What do you want from me?"

With no way to see if he heard me, I waited, nerves strung high, for him to say something so that I wouldn't have to look. The silence had just about stopped my heart when I felt feather light touches graze over my eyelids. They were soft, slow little acts meant for comfort; comfort coming from the lips of a nightmare personified…_so fitting indeed_.

Hesitantly, cautiously, I opened my eyes only to see Shizu-chan's. His eyes were pools of warmed honey that spoke of nothing but adoration and…

We watched each other as he leaned down to firmly plant his lips on mine. Again and again he did this. With each tug of his lips my thoughts hazed over a bit more. This was it, I truly am done fighting. He can have whatever he wants because I sure as hell can't fight him anymore. Even with how furious I was with him, one touch had me slipping down a cliff I was desperate to stay atop of. I must've fallen of the edge weeks ago and not even noticed. Fuck, what's happened to me?

"You'll understand one day…" Shizuo's quiet whisper stirred my consciousness. What's he talking about? "It'll just make sense I suppose…" ….what? "What will…make sense?" a small smile brightened his features for a second while I paused to try to get the roughness out of my voice. He gives me one more lingering kiss before he answers, "Why I love you." My breath hitched, my eyes widened, his smile remained, "It might be a little but…I hope you can deal with me being by your side everyday so that I won't miss when you do finally get it." He pauses a moment to look into my eyes.

"It'll be like a light switch went off in your head and your eyes'll brighten. Your lips will part in shock and you'll stop whatever you're doing; just stare off into space so that you can process what you just realized. Then you'll move again, smile, and continue on as if you had already known. It'll only be a few moments but they'll be something to see. I want to know the moment you understand so that I can hold you close and kiss you. I want to say 'I told you so' and finally feel the relief from knowing that you know you're loved by me; that I did enough…"

He trailed off, smile finally fading, and started to smooth his fingers over my cheek. I could only stare at him as if I had just witnessed a murder. He didn't egg me on to say anything. He didn't even look into my eyes. He just skimmed every other aspect of my face like he was memorizing it. If I had any rationality left in my head I would've been conscious of how much of a gaping fish I resembled. I waited to see if he would keep going but he never did. Shizuo just glanced over my face and ran his fingers through my hair. The minutes were starting to feel like hours and despite the full-body contact, I was somehow feeling neglected without our eyes connected.

Through an impulse rooted in insanity, I brought my hands to Shizuo's jaw so that I could pull his lips back to mine. He finally kissed me a little bit more deeply and the reassurance it brought was something like a drug to my system.

We were breathless by the time we broke apart again. Shizuo rested his forehead back against mine and looked straight into my eyes. I looked back, fully aware of what he was going to say, and didn't give two shits about it, "I love you, Izaya." I can honestly say that while I stared into his eyes, I tried. I tried to respond to him. I gave it everything I had left in my exhausted body to force the words past my lips, but it wasn't enough. It was nowhere near enough.

I was caught off guard for a moment when a cross between a chuckle and shushing noise came from Shizuo. Amusement danced in his eyes as his lips lifted in a genuine show of happiness. I must've been making weird faces, "It's alright…it's alright…" he cooed at me, "I know Izaya, I do. You'll tell me one day but for now…" He squeezed me to him a little tighter, "for now I understand."

This arrogant bastard. Didn't he know that assuming things only gets you killed? Where did he get off trying to tell me my own thoughts? He suddenly chuckled again. I truly have no control over my expressions apparently, "Don't fight right now. You'll give in one day and admit how stupid you're being right now, but until then…" Shizuo closed his eyes and a sort of…peace overtook his face, "Until then just let me love you…in any way you'll let me." Something squeezes my heart painfully at his words. I am one selfish bastard I know but…this takes the cake.

I tilted my head up to kiss Shizuo once more and immediately had it returned. Our hands start to roam again and our bodies remind us of the state they're currently in. But somewhere, from some dark, dusty corner of my blackened heart, I feel an unearthly sense of joy threaten to obliterate everything I had built. It was blinding in its intensity and for some reason…I wanted nothing but to embrace it. To let it push me off the edge and into my monster's arms. It's a good thing this beast was nearly immortal. He's gonna need all the lives he can get if he wants to carry me along for the rest of his days…


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok, uhm, hi ****. I realize that just posting my last chapter after so long and so randomly was kind of rude XD. Thanks for everyone who's keeping up with this nightmare of a story. I'll definitely need to rewrite it one day -.-. Any-who, I would appreciate some feedback on what you all thought of this story in its entirety. It's messy and sidetracks a lot, I know, but I couldn't bring myself to be all proper and go back and correct this train wreck. Thanks again!**

This is killing me. My head is literally about to explode and then I'm going to trash every inch of this shitty apartment. I just can't take this brute anymore. What the hell is he playing at? Does he get off living like a college frat boy or something? His living room is full of clothes and remnants of takeout. His fridge is empty and there are cigarette butts _everywhere_.

"_He is so getting an ass whoopin' when he wakes up…" _

I had thought of waiting in bed with Shizuo until he woke up, but then 11:30 rolled around and my stomach started to eat itself. Little did I know that I would find the same amount of food in Shizu-chan's kitchen as I would in a garbage can. Seriously, with all that strength one would think he eats a cow for breakfast. Well with the amount of crap he's put me through lately, he sure as hell can get his imbecilic ass outta bed and find me some food.

I stomp through the main part of the apartment back into Shizuo's room and find the monster still twisted up in sheets and pillows lightly snoring as if it were a lazy Sunday. The sight somehow angering me more, I walk up to the bed, grab Shizuo's pillow from under his head, and proceed to beat the shit out of him with it, "Wake up you lazy ass!"

Unsurprisingly, Shizuo aroused like a giant cat. He yawned, stretched, and watched me stoically as I repeatedly hit any part of his body I could with his pillow. I was expecting a reaction, I wanted a reaction, and I get fucking this.

Shizuo suddenly reached up and took hold of my waist. He successfully rolled over and pulled me back into the bed, his pillow slipping from my fingers. I was momentarily distracted by how warm the bed felt from where Shizuo was just lying, his scent invading my senses. Still, I manage to twist around only to be thwarted when I'm shoved up against a naked, tanned chest and Shizuo buries his face into my neck.

"Hey!" I yell for no apparent reason, "I am _not_ in the mood for your crap! I'm starving and there's _nothing _in your house!" The beast just pulls me closer and starts leaving lazy kisses along my neck as if he were trying to take a bite out of me.

"Shizu-chan, seriously, stop!" I wiggle and arch around hoping that he'll just back off since I wasn't going to be able to get anywhere until he let me.

"Why are you being so damn loud?" I still for a second to look at him. His bleached hair is in such a disarray that it can only be described as bedhead and his murky eyes are darkened with the last traces of sleep. Even disheveled his appearance still makes my heart race. That doesn't mean this bitch was going to get off easy though, "I'm upset! How do you have _nothing _to eat in your house?! Talking about you and no food in the same sentence sounds like a damn oxymoron!" his face twists, "A what?" "Oh, don't fuckin' worry about it!"

"What the hell you want me to do flea?" I sighed. This was getting us nowhere…as usual.

"Why don't you go to the store and find us some food? If you don't, I will happily leave and see you when I see ya." With that I started to get up and had almost managed to get my feet on the floor when I was pulled back…_again._

"Wait, ok I'm sorry, I just haven't been eatin' much these days so there's nothin' in the kitchen. Let's go out, huh? We can go get sushi or cake or somethin'." I turned around in shock to look at Shizu-chan. Did he just ask me out on a date? I don't think the implications of his question have registered because while I was sitting here taken aback, Shizuo was just watching me with an earnest face and a pair of eyes begging me to say yes. _Lord, how fucking far we've come._

"…Ok…but no cake." His face lights up, "That's alright; I'll eat with you another time." Why did that statement feel like it held a less than savory promise?

Shaking off anymore thoughts, I finally am free to leave the bed, "I'm gonna take a shower and get dressed." I heard Shizu-chan rustle around and pad over to the closet on my right, "Ok, I'll get you a towel." I headed towards the small connecting bathroom not five feet away and turned when Shizuo offered up a dull-colored towel.

"Oh, and Izaya?" I face him again, wondering what else he wanted. "I love you."

My heart thumps. Heat radiates from my chest and throughout my body making me consciously aware of every inch of myself. I stared at Shizuo's peaceful expression, his lips perked into a soft smile, his eyes clear and patient. I think I could've cried at my realization as I looked at him. He wasn't expecting me to say anything back. His eyes said it all. He just wanted to say it…just so I would know.

Not sure what to do, I just watch him. I wait for his face to fall in disappointment or regret, but it never does. His gaze never wavers. He just looks over me like he's trying to take a mental photograph, studying all my features.

"…I…love you too." Well that came out about as smooth as gravel. My voice was strained from how much I was forcing myself. I could feel my face instantly heating up from embarrassment and I really wished I had the brain capacity to run, but I obviously didn't. That was all before there was a pair of soft lips crushing mine and a body pinning me to it. Shizuo pulled away showing me his more amused expression, "I know." I sneered at him. What an arrogant…! "That wasn't so hard was it?" Ass.

I pushed the brute away and proceeded to the shower. _I am so done with this imbecile._ Too bad I knew I was never leaving, even if he is a prick.


End file.
